I have been hesitant to blog about the current emotional happenings in my family. This journal blog is designed to look for the ways the Lord has blessed our family each day. The current happenings seem anything but blessings.
September 5, 2001, my moms birthday, my dad was diagnosed with lymphoma cancer. He went trough continuous treatments until last fall he decided to go through a series of hard treatments for 6 months that would put him in remission anywhere from 2 to 8 years. Without going into too much detail, as I said, it was hard. It was hard on me to witness it, I can only imagine going through it.
By the time the chemo completely left his body and he was feeling better it was summer of this year. Last month his lymph nodes began to swell again and he was feeling a little sick. Long story short - the cancer had returned.
Yesterday morning he was admitted to the hospital for Pneumonia in his lungs in addition to the cancer. At one point yesterday his blood pressure went so low that he crashed.
One of the reasons I have hesitated about writing this, is because I am just so angry. I am angry that my dad, who in my eyes does everything right, and has for as long as I can remember is the one suffering. My dad is as compassionate and selfless as they come. Everyone comes first. Whether its in family, church, business - he is always looking out for others. Why then is he suffering? Why can't it be me?
I am angry that Cancer makes him hurt. I am angry that cancer takes him away from his home and comfort. I am angry that when my kids ask to see grandpa they can't. I am angry that he can't do what he wants to do. I am angry that at this Christmas season, he is in a hospital bed. I am angry that I have to see him in a hospital bed, uncomfortable and full of pain. I HATE CANCER!
I try not to let this consume me. Last time he was diagnosed, I didn't go through any of these emotions. I had complete faith, and a positive outlook on it all. I want to have that outlook again. Last night I read my sweet sister's blog, who has this faith and trust and it gave me such comfort to read her words and take on the exact same situation I am experiencing.
Today I went and visited with my dad and mom at the hospital. Towards the end of the visit I expressed, through tears these feelings I have been having. Its no surprise that my dad then comforted me and left me feeling more secure. He shared with me, through some tears of his own, some very special words that gave me such comfort and hope.
Tonight as I talked with him on the phone he was even better. He laughed about this being he and my mom's vacation. They get to lay in bed all day together, watch movies and their food is brought to them - he said. And as we hung up he said "Be of good cheer, princess."
So can I see the hand of the Lord in these trials? Yes. I am reminded silently and inwardly through the spirit that although we are given trials, he does not leave us alone. Promises are given through priesthood blessings that are and will be fulfilled. Comforts are given and faith is strengthened, in not only him but in us all as little progressions are made.
Am I still angry? Yes. Its the stage of mourning that I am in right now. But if I really sit and think, sit and feel, I feel comfort, hope and assurance that He does not leave us alone.