Thursday, June 26, 2014

Making the Case for Utah

Dear LeBron James,

When the clock is ticking down to “Decision 2014”, 2.8 million people will be crossing their fingers that the L-Train is heading west.   
It would be wise to hearken to Brigham Young, who, when Mormon Pioneers entered the valley in 1840 was heard to exclaim, “This is the right place!”
Fancy night life, big market, bustling metropolis?  Not here King James. We understand the crucial atmosphere needed for Prince Lebron Jr.  and Prince Maximus to succeed not only as heirs to The Throne, but as modest, humble, and respectful citizens.  Not to mention the indescribable baby showers Utah women throw for soon-to-be mothers of baby girls (by the way, congrats to you and your wife on the news)!
Since basketball isn’t everything in Utah, (except on Thursday nights for washed up church ballers), luring you to the promised land Bron, Bron, at first seems problematical (like guarding Kawhi Leonard), but after careful reflection about the crossroads of the west, it is highly unlikely that any catchy phrase regarding South Beach would ever have the flair of “taking my talents to West Temple”
Let’s face the facts Chosen One.  Most of the great American glamour spots like New York, LA and Miami are great for future Hall of Famers (and supposed superstars named Chris Bosh), but they are not ideal places to raise the family of a King. We all are witnesses that Utah has great school environments, but you won't be far from a multitude of exciting activities for the Royal Family , including water parks, Hogle Zoo (featuring non-tattooed Birds) , hiking, recreation areas, great skiing, amazing outdoor adventures, and countless public parks.
4 seasons in Miami is obviously an omen for the fabulous 4 seasons of Utah that can take LBJ and entire entourage from warm, but not parched summers to remarkable spring flowers, from breathtaking fall colors to world class winter resorts.
As far as the Big 3 goes?  You can get a Big 3 anywhere, but in the City of Saints, “The Big Three” will get you a lot more than championships, and are within minutes of Energy Solutions Arena.  Not to mention that their retirement plan is clearly out of this world!
Beats by Dre was a good call, and certainly has brought the energy, emotion, and excitement of recording studio playback to our listening experience, but you haven’t experienced premium sound entertainment until you have gently awoken on Sabbath mornings with Mormon Tabernacle’s enchanting “Music and the Spoken Word” filtering through your ear buds.
Free Agency seems so nice for leverage, freedom, and opportunity.  It just so happens that this eternal principle of love and compassion is exactly what you can hear coming from Sunday School teachers every Sabbath afternoon in this blessed city (your day of rest while the NBA plays on).
What it really comes down to LBJ is this.  Nowhere in Miami, nowhere in Cleveland, nowhere in Lakerland or Chicago or Brooklyn, moreover, nowhere on earth can you consistently and regularly get what the American Tomato Council has flagrantly hidden from world since the beginning of time.  That regular, consistent gem is what we in Utah love to claim, as the celebrated, and admired condiment of all time.  It is simply known to us as “fry sauce”.
It would be a decision you would never regret, and eternally appreciate.

Hopefully wishing,

Mr. Small, Marky T.