Thursday, September 24, 2009

Looking Back

It was one year ago today that I found out I was pregnant with Benson. What a difference a year makes! These last two days I have been thinking a lot about this past year. His pregnancy was such a spiritual experience, if I can accurately explain it that way.

I always have a hard time deciding to get pregnant. Mostly for selfish reasons, such as 'I don't want to begin the whole weight gain/loss period again'. But, when its time to get pregnant the spirit quietly nags at me off and on for a little while. This last time with Benson, I kept pushing it off, explaining it to the fact that this was the original date I had in mind to get pregnant and that was why I was feeling those nagging feelings again.

I asked Shon for a blessing and in the blessing not only was I promised some great blessings to come my way, but I was also told that this little spirit was ready and waiting to come join our family. As soon as I heard those words, all other worries and fears were forgotten.

It was a hard pregnancy; physically exhausting. There were times I didn't have the energy to get off the couch. I remember telling Shon that I didn't think I would be able to have anymore kids. It was just not fair to my other children, I thought.

And then we found out he was a boy. As silly as this sounds now, it was trying at the time. I really felt like he was a girl, and had been calling him a 'her' for so long. The guilt because of the sadness was overwhelming. I remember praying to my Heavenly Father, asking for forgiveness and asking Him to help that little spirit of ours to understand that I wasn't sad he was coming to our family, just that the shock was what made me sad for a while. I felt and overwhelming peace and I knew that Benson understood just how much we already loved him, and not by any degree less than we would love a little girl.

Benson was not active at all in my stomach. In fact, the Sunday before I had him I went to the hospital in tears because I hadn't felt him move for 2 and 1/2 hours. He was fine, but I continued to worry, which is kind of my trademark. I worried constantly about why he wasn't moving, so much it made me physically sick. The night before I had him, Shon gave me another blessing. In which, Heavenly Father, who knows us all so well, reassured me in all my worries. I was also told how very special this spirit was and that I needed to "love him as only a mother can love him".

Being induced, I think I was overly prepared to meet this little one. For some reason I have not been emotional with my previous births. But as those that were in the delivery room excitedly told me that he was almost here, I couldn't control my emotions. Happy tears streamed down my face as Benson made his entrance into this world.

As time always does, it has flown by since he was born. I am so grateful, beyond explanation for his addition to our family. Our spirits seem to speak at many times. He "talks" more than any other baby that I have had. Most the time it isn't happy gurgles, but almost like its deep, meaningful conversation.

So looking back over this year, yes our life has changed and yes, it is so much for the better. Although I still struggle with some of my original worries about weight and such, I have found the solution. Each time I feel down about myself I pick up Benson and give him a hug. That always seems to refocus my thoughts on what is really important. We love you Benson. Thank you for choosing to be a part of this family, especially when I have so far to go. I know the many years to come are only going to get better.

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